My friends, they love my intelligence
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
