Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
