At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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