i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
