i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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