I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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