i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
