I think my fart just growled at me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize