census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Green mimosas i think yes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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