My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
