if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
