can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
even my farts smell like vagina
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
