She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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