oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
