I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
