I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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