I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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