I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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