I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
