Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
