Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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