The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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