I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
