I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
