I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Randomize
