If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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