If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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