I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
