Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
