My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
