a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
