Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
