just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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