i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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