The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
