New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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