I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
