I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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