Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
