I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
