he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
