I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
