Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
