i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
