Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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