My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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