I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my being single is dangerous.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
