My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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