Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize