We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
