i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
