does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
