The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
