stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
