I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
