I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Less talking, more tequila
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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