The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
